Category: Uncategorized

Many of us are in the midst of finding a ‘new normal.’ Being in quarantine means our life has been brought to an abrupt halt. For some of us, the change experienced is far more drastic than others, but regardless of this, we are all feeling the need to adapt to our changing environment. I’ve been thinking about this and the life many of us once lived only weeks ago and honestly, there are parts of that life I do not miss.

It’s because other parts of me and my, more appropriately, our life, were filled with activities we prioritized, but at an opportunity cost. I knew that by being a part of activities in town, two hours alone (at a minimum) would be simply the commute to the city, then the activity would take place for X amount of time, and we’d likely have to stop for gas or to nurse the baby. Before even factoring in the activity, I had to mentally prepare myself for the undertaking. This I do not miss.

In weighing the cost of this time, I had decided the opportunity cost was worth the activity and I chose to spend my time budget there. We drove for activities into town twice a week. Then I’d try to also get any errands done as well. Those were long days. However, leading up to our quarantine, those two days into town had expanded to sometimes three to four and on a bad week, five. I didn’t like this. I was trying to look at ways to cut back. Things kept popping up: dental visits, field trip, doctor visits, etc. I felt a tug of not wanting my child to ‘miss out’ vs. my desire ‘to keep it simple’ (and by simple I mean realistic for our well being).

There is a drop off eventually on the return of investment of driving into town. My children would be hungry, tired, unhappy by the time we were returning home and I, myself was drained. When we’d finally make it home, I’d vow to not fill the schedule that full again, but I would.

How quick we forget our misery. Since we’ve been quarantined I have not felt the stress of forcing myself and five small children to meet a deadline. Trying to get all of us out the door and take the drive time into account…was one of my least favorite things to do. I will tell you from experience, that no change in the volume of your voice makes little feet put on socks faster, or coats on, or winter gear grabbed, or boots in place. You must plan ahead to move in slow motion. This means that rather than an hour commute, you must tag a half hour in front of that to simply get all of the minions moving if you don’t want to turn into the hulk and take an ax to the relationship with your children. And don’t forget that with all of this extra time in the car, you will need to plan ahead for snacks or a meal and potty breaks (a lack thereof may result in a soaked carseat; hopefully you packed extra pants).

I know this experience does not happen in isolation. Mothers everywhere, even ones who don’t live rural, feel this strain. They want their child to have all of the opportunities and will kill themselves to make it happen. That art class, dance class, Boy Scouts group, soccer practice, baseball game, swim lessons, piano lessons, nature program, robotics league, choir group, 4H… We think our children need this. We think these are the things that will keep them active, get them ahead, and help turn them into well rounded adults.

We do this at the sacrifice of family time. Our together time. Our building a relationship with our child time. We do this at the sacrifice of nutritious meals and meals at the table together. We do this at the sacrifice of rest after a long day of work, or a moment of downtime if you’re home with your children all of the time. We morph our schedule around these things. In some cases, we teach our children inadvertently that these things are more important than sleep as the classes go late, competitions go long, or we must get up early to arrive on time. An overfilled schedule bleeds into other aspects of life as well. You are more irritable. You don’t have time for your spouse. You don’t have time for you. You feel resentment brewing. You don’t exercise.

This is not to say that all activities and extracurriculars are the villain. They can be a part of a healthy life for us all when in balance. They can help us build connections with our communities, teach new skills, and help our children develop their own sense of self.

But this is not the only way to get the job done. And when the scales are tipped, as I often see, nobody wins. This is because of that opportunity cost. What would you be doing as a family or with your children if you weren’t living a gas burning, activity seeking lifestyle? What would you have had for dinner if you weren’t rushing off to that baseball practice?

Life has given us the opportunity to find out. Don’t take this time for granted. It is a gift, that you would not have accepted yourself, had the circumstances not been thrust upon you. This could be a unified ‘aha’ moment for parents and families everywhere about how we spend our time. Where are our priorities? What do our children and ourselves really need? Does the life we had before truly serve us?

Pause and reflect.

What have you been able to do with your time and with your child now that those obligations have been removed? Are you taking advantage of this gift you have been given? Money comes and goes, but time is finite. Your child will never be this age again. You can’t get this moment back. How are you going to spend it? Be deliberate. For every choice we make of how we spend our time, it comes at a cost. What have you been giving up to spend your time budget elsewhere prior to now?

Stay home. Stay safe. Accept the gift of time.

Many of us grew up being told that we may not be able to control what others do, but we can control how we react to it. I know I have carried this bit of wisdom to my children. It’s important, and it’s one worth reminding even our adult counterparts about. We get to pick the lens we see through.

Yesterday morning I woke after a sleepless night with the baby, who is teething and woke every hour to nurse until finally at 4 AM, he pulled out the big guns and just wailed in agony for a half hour. The sun came up all too soon and my other four children were bright eyed and bushy tailed, ready to start the day. I pulled my stiff body out of bed, rubbing my puffy eyes, yearning for rest, and knew that today had the possibility to be rough. When I said good morning to my son, I let him know I’d been up all night and it may be a hard day for me. He replied, “So if you’re grumpy, we’ll know why.”

I reflected on that. Am I warning him that I might be a displeasure to be around before it happens? Am I giving myself, subconsciously, the right to be “grumpy?” I decided at that moment, I still had a choice in how this day would go. I couldn’t control the baby waking repeatedly, but I could choose to be more gentle today as a result and know to have a more heightened awareness of the potential for emotional disregulation that comes with the lack of sleep.

I let the day ease in or at least tried. It wasn’t long after my decision to have a good day, that the baby pooped out of his diaper, up his back…the dog pooped on the kitchen floor…my son screamed at me to come wipe his poopy butt on the toilet…a child ran through the dog poop I had yet to pickup off the floor…I was having a “shitty” morning. This thought and all too obvious pun were the first sparks of light. I could laugh at this. I could do what needs to be done. And I could move on. I had a choice. Would I let this set the tone for the rest of the morning? The rest of the day? It would be easy to do so now that I had a solid foundation to go into it tired, angry, and frustrated. Don’t get me wrong, I cursed that dog under my breath, but then came the pause… I didn’t want to have that kind of day AND I got to decide. So, I cleaned up that “shit show” and got on with it.

And let me tell you, the kids and I had a beautiful morning. We learned about Edgar Allan Poe after being inspired from a novel we were reading, Book Scavenger. We researched his life, read his poetry, made watercolor paintings to illustrate his poems, painted gold bugs in honor of his story The Gold Bug, we created ciphers and hid them as clues for each other. I let the day unfold without trying to force a strict agenda. I told my kids that we had our routine written down of subjects to cover, but that I would be flexible if inspiration struck.

After lunch, we got outside; we were going to just go for a walk, but as we got going down the road, we noticed a lot of trash being unveiled after the melt. I returned to the house to get a garbage bag. We then proceeded to do some spring clean up of our rural country roads. It was exactly what we needed. My children were eager to help and search for hidden garbage. They felt a purpose. They felt helpful. They felt a part of nature and that they were making this world a better place. I breathed deeper. I was so happy I let myself choose love today so I could be open to this experience. My children and I were in the driver’s seat. The poor choices of others littering, became our opportunity to bond, laugh, and grow closer. It gave us an opportunity to give back to our community, safely distanced, in a time of quarantine.

“Make up your mind to be happy. Learn to find pleasure in simple things. Make the best of your circumstances. No one has everything, and everyone has something of sorrow intermingled with gladness of life. The trick is to make the laughter outweigh the tears.”

-Robert Louis Stevenson

In these times of uncertainty, combined with our usual daily struggles, it’s all too easy to find ourselves in a dark place, lacking joy, but it doesn’t have to be like that. We have a say. Our mind is a powerful place and when there’s so much around us we can’t control, we need to be prepared to change focus on what we can. We choose the lens from which we see and experience the world. Life is not done to us, we are an active participant. We are not the victim of circumstance, unless we believe it to be so.

Choose love today. Choose love everyday. And if you forget, choose love next time.

Stay home. Stay safe. You have a choice. Choose love.

Yesterday was the closest to “normal” I’ve felt for a while. Before all of this COVID19 business really took us all by storm, our family had been in the midst of adjusting to a new home, new life, and new baby. My husband had just returned to work from his paternity leave and had traveled for a week. I had already felt I was struggling.

A comedian once made the joke, “If you want to know what it’s like to have four kids, imagine you’re drowning, and someone hands you a baby.” Ha! I thought this was humorous when I had four, but now I have five, so I was basically drowning and being handed a baby and a toddler. I was surviving, but I knew more was going to be required from me to keep our family afloat.

February was a hard month. I withdrew a bit and was looking for the light at the end of the tunnel when COVID19 started to creep in from the peripheral. Well, now it’s front and center and I’m being asked to stand for the occasion. We all are.

I feel like I’ve been going through the stages of grief in regards to this virus. At first, denial. It may be a big problem there, but it won’t be here. Then anger, why won’t anyone take this seriously? I tried bargaining with those I loved to keep them safe. I felt a deep sadness as the weight of the situation felt too heavy to bare. Now finally, I can feel myself slipping toward acceptance. If you’re familiar with these stages, you know you can move between them and continue to cycle through them. It’s a human response to loss and we are all mourning a life we once had.

The problems I was experiencing before the pandemic, did not go away, but took a backseat, as there were more imminent issues to face. However; as I’ve begun my journey of acceptance, I feel more capable and ready to slowly welcome back my previous challenges. Honestly, they were banging at my door, whether I was ready or not.

But yesterday felt good. I didn’t neglect to acknowledge the world’s problems, but I had an inner focus. I had felt those other stages of grief and let them run through me, experiencing each one fully. Yesterday, I accepted things for what they were and was present for my family. It’s amazing the difference our presence can make. Our loved ones know when we are there and when we’re not.

I picked up where I had left off and took charge of my own adjustment. When I was still working, one of the biggest compliments I received from my Nurse Supervisor, was that I was “adaptable.” Her words pop in my head from time to time when I need to hear them. “You are adaptable.” Someone felt the need to tell me this explicitly as a positive trait. I can do this. I can adapt to moving, to selling a house, to having a new baby, to having a large family, to repairing a hundred-year-old house, to starting a farm, to the change in seasons, to my husband returning to work and his travel…I can adapt to COVID19. And so can you. You are adaptable. It’s one of your best qualities as a member of the human race. Our ancestors have done it for survival and we will too.

Stay home. Stay safe. Adapt.

How’s your mental health right now? Have you struggled with anxiety, depression, insomnia, or other disorders? How are you holding up?

I don’t personally hold any of these diagnoses, but have seen them in those I know and love. I’ve felt the kind of lows I wonder if I’ll ever pull out of, where I feel compelled to seek sleep and my bed as a form of escape, but thankfully, they had not become my normal. I can imagine how debilitating these disorders can be. I’ve seen it in those I care most deeply about.

Given the current state of our world, we could be seeing many of our friends and neighbors or ourselves struggle to be at peace. Our mental health will be put to the test. I have felt some of these challenges already, as I’m sure you have too.

I worry about my husband when he goes out to get our groceries. I worry about my children, can I keep them safe? I worry about myself. Am I doing enough? Will I get sick? What would happen to my family if I did? My parents are high risk, some of my dear friends are at risk, my sister is at risk, my past co-workers are at risk… Will there be someone to care for them if they fall ill? Would they survive? What are the lasting effects? Will we have enough medical supplies? Will we keep up? What about our economy? What about our connections and imports from other countries? People are losing their jobs. Will they be ok? What will happen with health insurance? How many will die? Will we have a vaccine? Will we find an effective treatment? If my mother gets sick, would I be able to see her? Will there be enough food for people?

I believe all of these thoughts are normal, and in moderation, a necessary part of living this experience. The problem is when these thoughts turn into panic and debilitate us. This is where our mental health will be put to the test. We’ll need to reflect deeply on how to care for ourselves best. It’s well known that we can’t care for others unless we first care for ourselves.

My kids and I sat down yesterday morning and talked about how we can keep our brains healthy during quarantine. We made a list. Included on that list were activities we enjoyed, things we wanted to learn, getting outdoors, and goals for the future. We also brainstormed ways to stay connected with our friends and family through technology. We had a nice long talk with Grandma using video chat and it reminded us of our need to connect with the outside world.

Be patient with yourselves and those around you as we all begin seeking ways to cope and stay healthy in mind, body, and spirit. What works for me may work for you, but likely it won’t, or at least not all of it. Now is a time to reconnect with yourself. What do you need?

For me, I need an outlet of expression, hence finally starting the blog I had only toyed with as an idea in the past. I also need a sense of purpose. I find this in the faces of my children, through helping others, and deepening my connection to a higher power. I’ve started to read A Gracious Space – Spring Edition by Julie Bogart and A Daybook of Positive Thinking: Daily Affirmations of Gratitude and Happiness A Blue Mountain Arts Collection edited by Patricia Wayant. In addition to reading this, I have been sending the daily pages to close friends and family. I have also moved our homeschool classes I once loved doing in-person to online, which helps me feel connection and gives me a way to help others from afar. I have shared supplies and resources our family has with those we love and donated to those in need in our community.

I’m learning about things I care about and am planning for the future with our farm; where I hope to someday have the ability to feed more than just ourselves and share the knowledge we gain with others. I’m making more time for calls and texts from friends/family. I’m limiting my time on social media (this mess is a topic all on its own). I’m going to be making a point of getting outdoors, hiking, and continuing to find beauty in the nature that surrounds me. I will continue to get dressed and shower, despite not seeing anyone each day. I’m going to let “school” slide when it doesn’t serve us. I will pick my battles with my spouse and children. I will make nutritious meals with what we have and move my body everyday. I’ll take some time in the morning to have my cup of coffee and get my head on straight before entering the chaotic life that is five children in quarantine.

What will you do to care for you? To keep your brain healthy? It takes intentional awareness and reflection to remain in touch with ourselves. It’s easy to slip away and give in to the seemingly endless demands, lose ourselves, and feel off balance as the world spins. I’m reminding myself, as well as you, that it’s ok to slow down. Breathe.

Stay home. Stay safe. Stay healthy. Slow down. Breathe.

Yesterday was hard. It’s all too easy to have a distracted mind with what’s going on in the world and yet try hopelessly at playing a pretend game of normalcy at home. Normally, my children are great at playing pretend, but this game has no end in sight. We have talked about COVID19 in our home daily and I’ve done my best to explain the situation matter of factually, but yesterday was different.

I felt at peace with the topic, as much as that is possible for me right now, but I forgot a minor, not so minor detail, check in with my children. There are five of them ranging from 6 months to 9 years and each of them have their own unique personalities. With each unique individual comes a unique way of making sense of the world and…coping. Let’s be honest, some of us cope better than others. This is no different in children and I can see the range in mine. Just like adults, some children are going to find unhealthy ways of coping, but unlike adults, children have the advantage of their parents to be a built in support system, assisting their immature mind to untangle the mess this world presents to them. They have the love of those older and wiser to guide them and show them how to keep their brain healthy and cope in a healthy way. Many adults could use this kind of guidance.

My oldest has asked me questions, done her own research, and has written about the topic of COVID19. The baby and toddler have heard us talk, but don’t grasp the gravity of the situation around them. My five year old will ask me if she’s going to her classes outside of our home or what the plan will be for her upcoming birthday. When will we get to have another sleepover with Grandma? But my oldest son had seemed unaffected. He hadn’t asked questions and would simply nod or remain quiet as this topic was discussed.

I should have seen the signs and known to interpret them when this little boy I love and share all of my days with was acting out. We have struggled before, but it has picked up significantly, and yesterday was rough. By the end of the day I was fried, wondering how to pick up the pieces, what went wrong, and looking for tools, as my belt was empty.

Then came the ‘aha’ moment. I noticed the lack of expression from my son surrounding COVID19, despite his maturity level of understanding. I noticed he had been withdrawing. I noticed that when things got hard, he wanted to escape to a book. I remembered that he is my most active child. I remembered that his energy shines the brightest in our home. I remembered that this is the boy who lives in a smile and finds comfort in laughter. I remembered he is the most social of my children, an extrovert. It’s no wonder he’s struggling! My light-hearted social butterfly is stuck in a cage and lacks the skills to communicate his needs and fears. I forgot to check in with him, so he was telling me the only way his developing brain knew how.

Last night, we still snuggled together on the couch and said “I love you” at night, but my ‘aha’ moment came too late for a satisfying resolution. But thankfully, the sun still rises, and the dark hours allow for rest and a time to reset. I can do better. I will do better.

Let’s not forget to check in with our children. Their growing brains are trying to make sense of the chaos that surrounds them and they are ill equipped. We are their trusted safe place and this is not to be taken for granted. It’s our duty to not only keep our own minds healthy, but those growing beside us as well.

Stay home. Stay safe. Today will be better. The sun still rises.

In my last post, I felt compelled to simply get it all out there. What is the situation and where are we at. It was like a deep inhale. But today I will exhale. I will accept the state of our world for what it is and ask, now what? What is my role in all of this?

After the initial anxiety and fear passed, not to say it’s not still a close friend, I found myself compelled to quarantine. To shut down on a personal level. To only send an adult from our home out for the essentials (food and supplies) and make sure I remain informed of the happenings.

After taking this action, I reflected some more. There must be more I can do. I decided that although I canceled the homeschool classes I used to teach here in our home, I would set to work offering them through the virtual realm. After all, I had tasted success with Writing Magic going online this year and I had the confidence I could do this for others. Not only would this keep my children connected with their past life and classmates, but it would redirect my sense of purpose. I have found that I’m deeply moved by being a part of the education of my children and our dear friends. Seeing this dissipate, would be seeing a new welcome part of myself turn to dust. I would not release this important part of our lives, but simply look at it through a new lens. I would get creative, learn, and use this as a time for growth. My children have happily assisted in this endeavor and we have all of our once in-person courses available online, free of charge, to our homeschool community.

Was this enough? I thought about my credentials as a nurse. I could not have known this would be the state of our world when I left the field to be a full time mother and home educator, but I felt a sense of duty and guilt for having stepped out a matter of a few years before this pandemic. I know my skills are no longer up to par, but I am not ruling out the possibility that if absolutely necessary, I could regain my training and resume my place on the front lines. This would come at a cost and great risk of course, and I must weigh out what is truly my best action. I have five children, live rural, home educate, and my spouse works full time.

I turned my thoughts to resilience. What could our family do to become more resilient and how could we expand that to society at large? This was a factor in why we moved rural in the first place. We wanted to create sustainable living through the beginnings of a permaculture based farm. We had plans of easing in this spring with the help of friends and family, but decided there would be no toe dipping, we’d be taking a plunge. And on top of that, we’d be doing it alone, as friends and family are in quarantine as well. We have seeds and chickens purchased as well as canning supplies. As the weather warms, we will be dedicating our time and efforts to getting Shady Timbers up and functioning. We have a new found drive in doing so. Looking at empty shelves and uncertainty in our grocery stores should tell us, we have too many consumers and not enough farmers. Eating local may turn from a nicety, to an essential. Food security will be a must in the coming months and years. Not only because of COVID19, but because a monoculture simply can’t sustain our population. We have been in a habit of taking without giving when it comes to our land, and this must change. Our survival depends on it.

Maybe you don’t have the means to start a farm, but you do have the means to start a garden. Remove that useless lawn of pristine grass surrounding your home and start planting. Even the smallest of yards can become productive. Not only this, but I encourage you to explore getting some chickens. Check your city laws/ordinances, but having a small flock of chickens can provide assurance for minimal effort. If you’re in an apartment, don’t fret. If you have a sunny window, a patio, or a balcony, you can pack a lot of punch into your seemingly small space. Start growing in pots. There may also be land nearby for rent that you could grow on. You could even negotiate with a friend who has a yard full of useless grass nearby to let you grow on their property. Now is the time to get creative and get back to our roots. We’ve been too disconnected from our food for some time.

Lastly, be prepared to care for your family in the event that the hospitals are overrun. Have basic first aid supplies on hand and take the time to learn how to respond in the event of illness or an injury. It’s a good time to begin learning home remedies. Be resourceful. Forage. Medications and medical attention could become hard to come by. Be ready to combine your home remedies with modern medicine as a team.

Final reflections, do what you can during this pandemic given your skill set and expertise. If you find your knowledge isn’t as applicable to helping in this time of need, it’s time to get creative and learn something new. You have purpose in this too. You can make a difference. Encourage your friends and family. A friend once told me it’s ok to attend the pitty party, but don’t stay long. We need whatever you can bring to the table and we need the best part of ourselves. This can be a time of great growth and unity if we make it so. It’s possible for blessings to be born from tragedy.

Stay home. Stay safe. Stay positive. Exhale.

It’s difficult to sit down and write about what’s going on in the world right now. Our lives have been shaken. I wouldn’t say it’s unexpected that a virus can come along and cause great anguish, as most of us have been aware of the possibility of a super-bug for some time. However, the extent to which we are prepared, is the horrific part.

With COVID19 originating in China, most likely from a particular reservoir, carried by a bat, that then mutated to have the ability to infect people, most of us watched it evolve from what felt to be a safe distance. Some people thought, of course China is prone to this sort of thing with how densely populated they are and the sorts of animals used for food in their markets. Where I am is safe. I’m in America. They are on the other side of the world, with a culture and a life much different than my own. This is immensely inaccurate. When a wild fire of disease is spreading fiercely in China, it should be known that with how interconnected we all are and the globalization of our world, that fire will be in our backyard in a matter of time and the clock is ticking.

Many of us remained blissfully unaware how little time we had before our worlds would be turned upside down. We watched from afar the extreme measures taken. Hospitals built, streets being sprayed, mandated quarantine…the number of cases and deaths rolled in. Then it began to spread. We watched what it had begun to do in Italy. They knew it was coming better than the Chinese. They’ll be more ready. No. The state of Italy plummeted as we watched hospitals run out of beds, staff sick and exhausted, decisions having to be made over who would live and who would die.

What is this virus?! We were watching developed countries shut down and fight for survival. Travel was being put to a standstill. Some Americans started getting nervous. Our president and leader, Trump, assured us that this was not a big deal. That he had it covered. That it was a political “hoax.” There was no reason for alarm.

Then we started seeing cases pop up around the U.S. We were slow to testing for this virus and our number of cases were falsely low because of this. Many of us still didn’t ring the bell of alarm yet and continued with our usual day to day plans.

In reading about this virus, it is highly contagious. It sits on surfaces for long periods of time, it’s passed by droplets, it’s airborne, it’s found in stool. It can incubate without symptoms for two weeks, allowing an immense amount of time to pass where further infection can take place.

Early February I went to Home Depot to pick up some extra assurance, an N95 mask. I was alarmed to see that the entire stock was sold out with a note regarding the Corona Virus above where they should have been. I decided to try Menards. They still had the masks. I picked some up for my loved ones, knowing that this is only one line of defense, but an important one since this is an airborne virus. I wasn’t the only one there buying a mask for this purpose. The CDC was telling people to just wash their hands and keep their distance from people who were sick. You see, there simply aren’t enough N95 masks for us all. Not only would it cause panic, but it’s just not realistic for our entire population to have the security of having one. Come to find out, even our healthcare workers on the front lines will be short in supply. This is bad for all of us.

I started watching the spread of the virus on a real time map of the U.S. On this map, positive cases are seen as red circles of doom. Seattle, New York, and California were being hit hard. Each day the circles are growing. The virus spreads exponentially. Something hard for most to comprehend.

Our family made the decision to begin voluntary quarantine. Our mind was made up that we had to do our part to “flatten the curve” and slow the spread so our hospitals would not be overrun. I canceled all of the classes I normally host out of our home and let others know we would not be attending our outside commitments. My husband already works from home, so thankfully for us, we could begin this process a little sooner, but hardly much ahead of what was to come.

News was spreading quickly. Americans were becoming alarmed. Everything was being canceled or told to do so. Other people were beginning to self quarantine. People were emptying shelves of grocery stores and all of a sudden something as simple as toilet paper was a hot topic, one worthy of anger.

The economy started to tank and has continued to do so. There’s much uncertainty for our future at this time. The stock market has dropped significantly, interest rates went down to zero, and the government has been printing money. It’s not good.

Despite all of this, some people continue to not take the situation seriously. Some are still going on vacations and visiting friends. They are going out to eat. They’re trying to live their lives. But this is out of ignorance, denial, or mere stupidity. The world has changed, and quickly, whether you’re ready for it or not.

People are losing their jobs. Schools have shut down. Parents are suddenly finding themselves homeschooling when they never thought they would. Our healthcare providers are rapidly trying to prepare for devastation. We don’t know how long this will last. The world is anxious. How will we come out of this? We are finding out just how fragile our way of life really was. How good we had it.

This post is a bit of a downer, but I want it to be real. Many people are suggesting to journal during this time and I think using the written word as a coping mechanism and a way to record our history, if even for ourselves is a worthy use of time. By allowing others to read it, I hope a raw human connection can be found.

Stay home and stay safe my friends.